*Joke Of The Day

CATEGORY: A day in my life
AUTHOR'S PHILOSOPHY: As a storyteller, I regard it as my obligation to form a crowd of one for street performers. I'm usually rewarded with a new story to tell.

The street corner display is crude –a tower of three blue plastic crates. I slow down to read the small sign rigged on top. “Joke of the Day. Donations Accepted.”

My jokes are not crude, the proprietor informs me.

I smile, as required.

If you want a dirty joke madam, he says, you can put that dollar bill right back in your Bhopal satchel with the Malavi dialect writing.

I’m thoroughly respectable, I assure him.

He nods and removes the bottom crate, placing it against a store window within a small patch of shade. Patting to make sure it’s steady, he motions with a courtly bow for me to sit. I'm too hot to match his theatricality with my usual flair. I just want to sit down and watch someone else perform for a change.

Meanwhile, passers-by walk around us with the nonchalance of city dwellers accustomed to street antics. When he starts telling me the joke, however, a few people stop to see what's going on.

The joke is about a rabbi, a priest, and a flea in a bar, who meet a farmer’s daughter knock-knocking on the door. I don’t get the punchline, but enjoy the delivery. He acts out all the parts pretty well, I think, with an especially graceful leap as the flea.

During the telling an even bigger crowd assembles, and everyone claps at the end. The dollar bills in his hat mount up.The impromptu audience melts back into the late afternoon sunshine, but I remain sitting gratefully, for an extra moment or two. Then I remember what he said about my purse.

How did you know it’s from Bhopal, I ask. Have you been to India?

He nods. Not only do I know where it comes from, he says, but I can translate the embroidered words.

Really, I exclaim. What does it say?

He holds up a finger for me to wait. Reaching inside one of the crates, he pulls out a thick black marker. Then he begins writing on the other side of the joke sign. When he finishes, he sets it back in place.

“Translations. Donations accepted,” it says.

Fair enough, I think, handing him another dollar.

And that’s how I learn my purse has a dirty joke about eunuchs on it, written for all the world to see. Or at least, for those who claim to understand Malavi.





*Party Games

CATEGORY: Pure (or impure) Imagination
AUTHOR EXPLANATION: This is why I don't go out much.



Last night I met a wonderful girl at a party. I mean I could really talk to this girl. She approached as I was standing around feeling ill at ease holding a glass of wine, not connecting with anyone. To appear actively engaged in the party, I was shaking my glass a little and holding it up to my ear, as if listening to the tiny tinkling of the party charm around the base. My party charm was a skateboard, though I don't skate. I didn't get to choose my own charm, which I thought was supposed to be part of the fun. If I ever give a party, people will be able to have whichever charm they want. I mean if I owned party charms.

I noticed the girl earlier because she was dressed modestly by today's standards, the only one - male or female - whose nipples weren't featured prominently.

She didn't bother with introductory chatter, after a simple hello. "I want to stick one of my fingers into that fan," she said, indicating the one in the window closest to us. "Do you think I should?"

I advised against it. "I mean if there were fewer people at the party I'd say go ahead."

She nodded.

"I know a fun party game," she suggested. And it was fun! We went around the house guessing how each person was going to die. At first we were conservative. Cancer, heart attack, car accident - your garden variety deaths. Then we became more creative and developed back stories. My best contribution was the surfer dude wannabe who joined his father's relatives in the I.R.A and died with bombs strapped to his body at Heathrow. We regarded his once-gelled hair slicked flat with booze as he downed shots for a stunt. What a glorious death he would have compared to his current shallow life

The game that engaged us the longest was her idea. It was called "Assassin." You follow a drunk guy home from a party, then off him. This led to a lively discussion about method.

Now she's sleeping. I mean in my bedroom, and I'm fixing breakfast which I intend to serve her in bed.

Then we have to decide how to dispose of the body.

*The Importance of Food In A Relationship

CATEGORY: Part memoir, part wishful thinking

AUTHOR REFUSAL: will not say which part is which


I ran into an old boyfriend today. He looked great, and he must have thought the same about me because he suggested we continue the conversation over burgers and beers.

"I don’t know, Nate.” I shook my head. “That’s quite a comedown from the last time we dined together."

This was in reference to a meal we ate at Brazzaville in the Republic of Congo early 1999.

As a consultant in the airline industry for emerging nations, Nate travels all over the world. Accompanying him on business trips, which I was able to do a few times, was always an adventure in gastronomy.

"Liked that bat stew, did you?" he smiled.

"Hey, I got it down - and managed to KEEP it down," I reminded him.

"Only because I drowned it in the mango sauce," he countered. "I had to pour all of my sauce on your plate, too, when the Mbasa weren’t looking.”

When I asked him where he was going next, he replied, "How do you like your bobotie?"

"Stuffed with currants and flavored with gare masala" I shot back, grinning.

“In or out of a pumpkin?” His eyes narrowed.

I hesitated, unsure of myself.

Then, “No pumpkin,” I said firmly. “The Argentine version with pumpkin is based on a different sect of the Boer culture, the ones who chose not go to the East Indies. So, it’s too far from the source, for me."

He studied me, appraisingly.

Perhaps it's time to renew my passport.

*That Old Tub

CATEGORY: Memoir, Dream
AUTHOR INSIGHT: Brazil is a fictional place, in reality.

I close my eyes and awaken in my young husband's dream. He wants to be a fisherman off the coast of Bahia, Brazil. I want what he wants.

Now I'm with women all waiting for our men to return on that old fishing tub, Mas Linda. Everyone here thinks it's good luck my name is Linda, like the captain's wife. I think to myself, that old tub needs a lot more than luck.

I'm in a tin kitchen by the sea and they feed me soup made from fish heads. It is flavored with spices timed to explode in waves. First the mouth, then the throat, then the chest.

They laugh when I gasp and cough. Even their laughter is to the beat of samba . I don't mind being teased. It distracts me.

I love being here, truly. The air's so sweet I don't even want to exhale.

But all I can think about is where's that old tub.


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*Bee Boy

CATEGORY: Memoir
AUTHOR INTRO: If a grown-up Bee Boy should happen to read this, it might help him to know I came to be a pariah of sorts, in time.


When I was 14 years old, I saved my little sister from an attack by Bee Boy at the Greyhound Bus station in Philadelphia. We were there on alternating Saturdays throughout 1962, catching a Baltimore-bound bus to fulfill court-ordered visits to our father.

In those years, east coast Greyhound bus stations were repositories of ancient filth. Like the accumulation of mankind's history stored
at the Library of Alexandria, the grime at Greyhound told stories. You could read the myriad substances produced and disposed of by human bodies. These stories were authenticated by odors trapped in the building for decades, like ghosts doomed to haunt the place their earthly life ended.

"Don't forget to go to the bathroom NOW," I'd remind my sister before we left home.

I was determined our very first visit to the station rest room would also be our last. It was the thick-textured dirt climbing my toilet stall like jungle vines that convinced me.

Unfortunately, my sister was not fastidious by nature. At first, she was not willing to hold in her pee just because I said a plague might invade her panties if she used the station toilets. The word 'cooties' had lost its terror for her - my fault for overusing it when we were much younger.

For this occasion, then, I made up some convincing-sounding disease names. Mackolepsy. Chronic Nostrilitus Lympasematic Syndrome. The former resulted in drowning, because you became unconscious, slipped off the throne, twisted your body around, hit your head, and fell face-forward into the toilet bowl. The latter caused the paramecium viral form of bacteria fungus to enlarge in your blood stream and be excreted from your armpits or unravel from your nostrils, several days after exposure. This would happen in your classroom or the playground, and for the rest of your school years you’d be shunned.

Thank God we had no Internet back then. A kid today would have googled my homemade medical conditions and realized I was lying. Instead, wide-eyed, my sister finally agreed not to use the Greyhound restroom ever again. She was over 30 when she learned the truth. She said she was tempted to stop speaking to me until I reminded her I once risked my life to save her from Bee Boy.

Who was Bee Boy? He was a kid about my age, headquartered at Greyhound. I learned something from him: until then, I thought only in India did the homeless live without homes.

There was no doubt he was without family or home according to station employees. He was in and out of the place at all hours, and he slept there. He lived on burgers and fries customers left on their plates at the station’s restaurant counter, scraped off and saved by waitresses who felt sorry for him. The newsstand owner threw a couple of peanut butter cracker packs and and a mini-carton of milk at him every day, in exchange for a guarantee he wouldn’t come close and bother the customers. Though he was universally pitied throughout the station, the stronger feeling he evoked from others was revulsion.

Now I realize Bee Boy was mentally retarded, emotionally disturbed, nutritionally malnourished, physically disabled - you name it. He suffered from everything but mackolepsy and nostrilitus. In retrospect, it breaks my heart no one thought to alert social agencies about him. Not even the cops on the Greyhound beat did. Deep down inside, no one believed he was ....human. A smallish hunchback perched on his short, chubby torso and the way he rubbed his hands together (and his feet, while sitting) made him resemble a bee. It didn’t help that his only vocalization was a humming, increasing to a sizzle like food burning on a grill when he was angry. I didn’t create the name Bee Boy; the Greyhound crowd did, and it stuck. But I wasn’t nice to him, either.

My sister and I weren’t the only passengers in the waiting room who Bee Boy harassed. We just made it easy for him by appearing like clockwork every other Saturday at 8:30 am for the 9:15 express to Baltimore. Some cunning survival instinct he possessed, registered that fact.

Originally, I assumed he just wanted to frighten us. Soon I realized his goal was to sting. The first few times he buzzed around, we shooed him away with our hands. After that, we came prepared. I armed both of us with a low-tech piece of equipment, the fly swatter. Just a handle with a rubbery flapper at the end to keep him further at bay.

We employed a defense strategy too: usage of a protective wall by sitting in the midst of the maximum number of people available. If our human wall got up to leave on a bus earlier than ours, we changed seats to a population cluster of newer arrivals. Our maneuvers around the station infuriated me because I could see he enjoyed the chase.

One Saturday morning we were earlier than usual because the schedule to Baltimore had changed. There were hardly any people around. Fortunately, Bee Boy wasn’t there either. My sister was nodding off, more asleep than not. Suddenly, I had to pee so badly I briefly fantasized about doing it off in a corner, like Bolivian women who squat everywhere, their act hidden by voluminous skirts. That way, I could simultaneously avoid the bathroom cooties AND be able to keep my sister in sight in case Bee Boy materialized. But I was wearing jeans.

Unfortunately, this time, I had to use the bathroom. I just had to. I figured I would run and be back to my sister well before Bee Boy could reach her, even if he walked in right NOW, I reasoned. The bathroom and my sister were on the far end of the station, seemingly miles from Bee Boy’s Market Street entrance. Possibly I should have awakened her, but I didn’t want her to know I was violating my own rule. Once you lose face in front of a younger sibling, the balance of the entire relationship is knocked off-kilter, forever.

I took a deep breath, ran to the bathroom, and emerged a minute later, still holding my breath. I was pleased with myself for being so swift - until I saw Bee Boy hovering above my sister, who had just that second awakened to the nightmare sight of him about to sting her.

“Leave her alone,” I screached. I sprinted toward them, just as a can of coke catapulted out of the newsstand and bounced harmlessly off Bee Boy’s hump. The surprise of it slowed him down just long enough for me to reach his side and to push him as far away from my sister as I could. “Get away from us you ugly, disgusting insect,” I screamed.

I was shorter than Bee Boy and skinny. What I didn’t expect was to push him with such force that he fell. I don’t know whether he was hurt or not, but he cowered there on the floor, crying. Sobbing, truth be told. My sister was crying too, so I turned to comfort her. I walked her away with me, leaving Bee Boy in a humming heap on the floor.

I steered her over to the newstand and the owner handed us two Hershey bars. “Is she all right” he asked. “I saw what was happening and threw a can of pop at him.” My sister was sniffling while unwrapping the candy bar, and I concluded she was just fine.

No one went to Bee Boy. He laid out on the floor for a long time, and no one went to him. People walked around him, but no one checked to see whether he needed help. Our bus was announced, eventually, and he was still there.

Sunday evening upon our return, I half expected him to see him in the same position, in the same spot. But we never saw Bee Boy again. No one knew anything about what became of him, either.

The newsstand guy retired within a few months and sold his small business. The restaurant closed down because a McDonalds and other fast food places had moved in on the block. The cops we knew were rotated elsewhere. Soon, my sister and I were the only Greyhound regulars who wondered about Bee Boy. It didn't occur to me at age 14, that someone's existence could be forgotten.

Last night before posting this, I searched on the Internet for “Bee Boy” (and Beeboy and beeboy and even beboy). Would he turn up in anyone else’s memoir of the Philly Greyhound Bus Station in the early sixties? Nope. I’m the first to capture him on paper.

Though my own heartlessness back then pains me now, it's understandable. And I'm willing to bear that pain and bear witness to it, if it means Bee Boy will be remembered.



*A Rare Species

CATEGORY: Memoir
AUTHOR NATURE-OBSERVATION You might wonder, reading this, why in the world my former husband and I ever divorced. Trust me. It was for the good of the planet.


My former husband Lane and I met to discuss the wedding of our daughter Bay and ended up driving to the Ohanapecosh Valley to hunt a fugitive wildflower.

"How long have you been looking for this thing?" Lane asked, amused as always by my obsessions. Since the divorce I've amused him, anyway.

"At least 40 years," he continued, answering his own question.

I couldn't believe he was coming with me on a search for the phantom orchid, aka cephalanthera austiniae. Long ago when we were married, he wasn't interested in my botanical adventures. But after Bay's wedding discussion ended, he asked what I was doing for the rest of the day. When I told him of my quest, he said he'd like to join me.

"We're getting along so well, I'm feeling lucky," he observed. "I think I'll be the one to spot your mystery plant first."

He was making this into a competition. I smiled at the familiarity.

"Why the Ohanapecosh, though?" he asked. "I thought you told me once phantom orchids were extinct around Mt. Ranier."

"I thought they were," I said. "But I stumbled into the blog of someone who claimed to have found a few in the Valley. In four different spots! Oh, Lane, what if I can find them, at last?

"Aren't you glad for the company?"

I was. Then I thought, maybe we've found something rare at this late juncture in our lives. That elusive species between a man and a woman - friendship.

*She Just Blacked Out, Is All

CATEGORY: A Day in The Life
EPILOG BEFORE THE FACT: I did not renew my contract with this organization after the following incident.


One of my jobs as manager of a private university dormitory is to distribute mail. I notice Alison hasn't picked up her mail for several days, and it occurs to me I haven't seen her lately. I go to her room and find only her roommate Jody there.

Jody mumbles something and slinks past me. My voice pursues her down the hall. Jody! Please tell me where she is.

Reluctantly, Jody turns back to me and says, If you must know, she's in the hospital. But don't worry, she's fine now.

I'm always the last to know these things. Parents hire me to manage young women who refuse to be managed. I refuse to be in this position much longer.

I don't take their attitude personality. I represent authority, and they thought college meant being beyond authority. They don't yet know they will meet with authority throughout their lives. You got to serve somebody, Bob Dylan says. I'm just the first somebody they meet after they thought they were through with all that.

So Alison is in the hospital and her friends have formed a conspiracy to keep me and her parents from knowing. Legally, neither the parents nor I have any rights in this matter.

I don't even bother to ask Jody whether it's alcohol related.

You think it's alcohol related, Jody says. It really isn't.

I don't say anything and suddenly, Jody's talking: She just blacked out, is all. At a fraternity party. The stupid security guards forced the guys to call an ambulance. She's fine. She just blacked out, is all. She just got alcohol poisoning, is all. But that's not alcohol related. It's horrible, forcing her to go to a hospital when she didn't even know what they were doing because she was blacked out.

Jody's too-skinny frame shakes with indignation.

I look at the bulletin board, across from Alison and Jody's room. It has colorful posters with all the important information about alcohol poisoning, eating disorders, signs of bi-polar disorder. I'm sure nobody reads them.

Can I go now, please, Jody asks, torn between manners and her desire to be free of me.

I have only a few seconds to say something meaningful that might penetrate her denial of reality.

Death, Jody.

I choose my words carefully.

Death. Alcohol poisoning can lead to death. Alison might have died if she hadn't been taken to a hospital in time.

Whatever, Jody replies.

I hold her eyes with a steady gaze. And it makes me feel better now, because I can see she looks frightened. She just can't admit it to me.

Whatever.

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