*The Idiot's Guide to Prayer

Category: Fiction

Author's Wish: Apparently, everyone's equal in God's eyes, and if that's the way He feels, fine. I just wish He wouldn't require us to agree with Him on that point.

Every morning now, even before my first cup of coffee, I pray. I pray that God will convince Thea to come back to me. I pray He will tell her it’s His will for her to live with me forever.

Meanwhile, I suspect she's praying for Him to send me to rot in hell forever.

How does God deal with all these competing prayers, I wonder.

Esteban walks in and sees me in prayer position by my bed. "You don't know how to pray," he scoffs. “Prayer involves a lot more than just getting down on your knees.”

Esteban is my friend and coincidentally, one of the men attempting to replace me in Thea's bed.

I regard him with the kind of critical eye a woman might have. Thea’s, let's say.

His short hair is slicked back with 'product.' Thea prefers natural hair on the longish side. Like mine.

Esteban has many fitness center-induced muscles. Thea likes men with builds on the thin side. Like mine.

Estheban is a Catholic atheist. Poor guy. He's nothing like me at all. He hasn't a prayer. Oh wait. I forgot. Thea doesn’t know I’m religious now, because I only started praying when she left me.

"You're wrong" I say to him now. "I do know how to pray," and I point to my recent purchase, “The Idiot's Guide To Prayer."

"Well then, go ahead," Esteban suggests, "tell me how."

I focus my attention upon him.

"First you focus attention," I explain. "And then, you umm, umm, it’s kind of, see what you do is, well, it’s very personal."

"You spent money on this guide for idiots?"

"Idiot’s guide," I correct him.

"That's just idiotic. Expecting a book to teach you how to pray.”

“Some people use a book for that, Esteban. It’s called The Bible.”

“Why don’t you read that book then?”

“I’m into technology. I prefer HELP manuals to stories and parables.”

Maybe he’s right, though. All my praying hasn’t worked yet, and it’s been a whole month. Lately I’ve thought I should change tactics and demand Thea come back to me. Pick her up, throw her over my shoulder and carry her through town, like that John Wayne movie.

After all, the Idiot’s Guide said God helps those who help themselves to what they want.